I have a natural tendency to judging a book by its cover. I don’t think that a body can tell me a whole story, but I believe it’s an inseparable part of it. I like to create my beliefs basing on people’s outsides to, later on, confront them with their souls and minds, forgetting about the bodies.
I wonder how much of my concepts can be viewed. At which level do my ideas fit to your opinions about me? Am I as crazy as you think or as crazy as I believe? Where is the golden mean? Do we need it?
Every day, I try so hard to let go of everything that’s holding me back. I make my tiny steps and carefully observe the effects. I try to identify what happens if I quit controlling, speak louder or show more of my feelings.
Expression is a complex topic. I’ve always been excellent at showing a lot while revealing nothing, but I slowly grow up to the point where I don’t aspire to be simply flashy; I want to talk about what’s important.
I fantasize about speaking in an unedited way. I dream about starting the discussions and sharing the meanings. Some parts of me still scream: don’t do that. Maybe it’s not worth a drama.
What if it is?
I wasn’t arguing with my inner self for a very long time. I’ve been accepting everything and listening to words such: you should this and you need this, you have to that. I’ve been stacked to the “you must be good” label, even though I’ve never honestly asked myself what “good” means for me. At some stage of my life, it was enough to know what was expected from my family.
It’s not like I need need to be a “bad girl” right now, but I sense the solid call for, finally, being “good” on my own terms. I want to risk, play and say ‘”fuck off” when it’s needed.
Getting to know yourself is one thing, but trusting yourself is a totally different feeling. It’s a process involving answering multiple questions, getting mad at something that earlier you didn’t even notice and searching for new approaches.
Choosing yourself is getting rid of the idea that someone else should accept your choices. It’s finding approvals within yourself rather than hunting for them somewhere far away from your soul and body. It’s realizing that you don’t need to be flawless to be complete.
It’s making “okay” a complete sentence and accepting other people’s opinions without the need to convince them to understand yours. It’s responding to your reactions; not to the others. It’s breathing at your pace and going how fast/slow you want.
It’s dancing your special dance to your favourite music. I don’t need to like it as long as you love it.