No, I don’t regret anything. Even if some time ago I’ve made some stupid decisions, every one of them, in their own way, only made me smarter and gave me space to not make the same mistakes again.
On one hand, I am very proud of myself. That now I am so prudent, serious, positioned and even a little romantic. On the other, I still have much fear. I am afraid that of waking up one day and thinking that maybe some time ago I should have been contributing to my own success instead of working towards huge sales in a corporation. That maybe I should have been dancing more, writing more and saying ‘no’ much louder. That maybe I should have been just letting go and trusted my visions, ideas and loved ones, who said I could do anything.
Maybe I should have been brave.
I cannot say exactly when I stopped writing. I just remember that it was only getting harder and harder. I wasn’t able to be straightforward and instead of wondering where it originated from, I just stopped.
Some time ago I was afraid of what would happen if it turned out that maybe I was less feisty than on my Instagram. What if I were to say out that I had eating disorders and everything that I put in my mouth (yes, always) is the result of careful analysis. What if I admit that I love sex and that I have been on several Tinder dates. What would happen if I confess that my parents’ divorce has affected me (and still is) much more than I ever thought.
Fortunately, I’m slowly coming (yesss) to the point where I believe that probably nothing will happen. At most, I’ll get closer to who I really am.
And although I know that it is much easier to show your boobs than to reveal some, dressed in words, parts of my soul, at this point in my life, I choose the second option. I’ve already learned how to love my body. Now I want to speak out loud that it is ok to not be ok and even more ok to be the way you are. And that you are allowed to feel whatever you feel.
And if I were to help anyone (except me) by repeating this, I would be very touched.